ITS TIME FOR.....

PETE'S GUIDE TO EATING A KIWIFRUIT!!!!!!!! (yay!!!)

Step 1: Completely ignore this mophead for the duration of this guide. He is a convicted felon and will crop up from time to time trying to get you to join the dark side. He is not to be trusted and yes, he realises he needs a haircut.

Step 2: Find yourself a kiwifruit. Now no disrespect to any new zealanders out there but these little things, and the lord of the rings movies are the only decent things to come out of the said country, and as a proud Australian I would like to stress that these can only be eaten in season, and eaten understanding the risks involved. This guide takes no responcibility if any patrons develop a hideous accent, pronouncing six as sex, and fish and chips as fush un chups.

(yes it says new zealand organics... *shudder*)

Step 3: If you don't want to dirty two cutlery instruments or are just a person for new things get yourself a kiwispoon. They are the single greatest export of NZ, providing the local economy with approximately $3 revenue per annum. (If Heckler is reading this I'm fucked).

Its a knife!

its a spoon!

its SUPERMAN a KIWISPOON

Step 4: (gumpy accent) Ooh! We forgot the anaesthetic!... meh a reference to a flying circus sketch. But seriously, this is where the real fun starts. Cut the bastard in half. Generally its easier to use the knife half for this step, but feel free to experiment, as they say you only live three times... or was it thirty three? Ah i forget.

You can either cut it length ways, or width ways, but its generally easier if you cut it through the width.

it may look like i didn't take my own advice, but its just a mutant kiwifruit. if the pattern comes out like what you see there, you've done it right.

Step 5: Now you can make silly faces with the knife and two halves... mwahahah BIG NOSE!!!

...well it was funny to me anyway...

Step 6: Now you can start digging that oddly sweet tasting green goo... mmm tasty.

Step 7: Enjoy it.. this one actually tasted like shite, its a bit early for them still.... :D

don't worry, I don't normally look that goofy.... I hope. :)

Pete.